The six-figure sum you need to secure your true love

Three French hens from the third day of Christmas will cross the checkout at double what they cost last year, at $16 a chook, but the more exotic avian creatures on the list offer some inflation relief.

But Rynne says there’s a caveat. “We note there is a presumption of adequate local supply of some of these birds, which KPMG also appreciates may be incorrect, particularly given the regulations around the illegal transport of native birds for commercial purposes without a permit,” he says.

The biggest hit to your budget, however, kicks in on day five when you’ll be hit with a cost of more than $14,000 for five gold rings. By the 12th day of Christmas, you’ll be footing a bill for more than $115,000 just for the rings. Looking for someone to blame? Rynne says it’s partly due to investors who have been buying gold as a hedge against global economic uncertainty, contributing to a more than 30 per cent uptick in gold prices over the past year.

Six geese-a-laying, at a markup of 20 per cent since last year, add to this year’s price pressures, costing about $70 each. But it’s the swans a-swimming you’ll have to save up for, at $2130 a pop – up a relatively modest 2.4 per cent since last year but stacking up to nearly $90,000 for six days of gift-giving.

Unlike Santa’s helpful elves, the slight depreciation in the Australian dollar since December 2023 also doesn’t help romantics investing in their gold-digging love interest with 18-carat rings.

From the seventh to the 12th day, it’ll be wages that need to be paid. Eight maids a-milking, at minimum wage, will cost nearly $7330 over five days, roughly 4 per cent higher than last year while nine ladies dancing at an entry-level rate will cost $8110 over four days.

Ten lords a-leaping, lavishly interpreted by KPMG to be principal dancers (unlike the ladies dancing), will be the biggest worker-based drag on your finances at about $8340 over three days. Rynne says while it could be possible to lure real lords to Australia from England, the girth of their waistbands could limit their ability to leap. “There’s none in Australia, but lords are doing it quite tough with changes to inheritance taxes in England, so they may be up for a gig here,” he says.

And with $8200 remaining, you can wrap up your final gifts: 11 pipers piping and 12 drummers drumming for the final two days.

Of course, this doesn’t include transport and courier costs, Rynne notes. “We have assumed the shipping costs associated with Santa and his reindeer are already embedded in the price of gifts, much like free postage and handling is included in some online purchases, especially during the festive season,” he says.

The government’s cost-of-living measures, including energy bill relief, have not cooled the market for items in the 12 Days of Christmas. “Unsurprising,” Rynne says, given those measures were targeted toward a range of goods and services that did not exist around 1780: the period in which the words to the song were first documented in surviving texts.

But KPMG recommends any cost-of-living reform being proposed in next week’s Mid-Year Economic and Fiscal Outlook, if aimed at improving the affordability of the 12 days of Christmas, should be temporary and targeted. The firm suggests “specific measures focused on increasing gold mining, the supply of additional pear trees and incentivising the hiring of farm hands, musicians and dancers.”

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