Considering that it is often indistinguishable from a piece of fan-fiction written by a Directioner in the throes of puberty, My Policeman is a bafflingly dispassionate star vehicle for the world’s most popular sex symbol. Harry Styles recycles both the wardrobe and his expressions from his other 2022 disaster, Don’t Worry Darling, in director Michael Grandage’s same-sex love story about repression and regret that has all the intensity of a gay pride flag lying limp in the darkness on a still summer night.
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My Policeman is a failure on practically every level, and others waiting to be invented. But perhaps its biggest crime is making a glaring homophobe not only the audience surrogate, but also the protagonist, without ever acknowledging her actions in any meaningful manner. This character — a woman named Marion — is played by Gina McKee in the present day sequences, and by The Crown’s Emma Corrin in the flashbacks. Marion is married to a man named Tom, an uncle type if there ever was one, played by Linus Roache in the present day. But back when he was young, he used to look like a pop star.
And since most of the film unfolds in flashback, the Styles version of Tom is the one we spend the majority of the time with. After a dour opening sequence with the older Tom and Marion trapped in a passionless marriage, we rewind to when they first hit it off — he an awkwardly sensitive cop, and she a woman of culture. On one of their earliest dates, Tom takes Marion to the local museum, where they both listen with rapt attention to the curator’s charismatic commentary about the paintings on display. The three forge a fast friendship, but this is when the movie decides to unleash the first of its arbitrary plot twists.
Armed with even the slightest bit of information about this film, you’d probably expect Tom and the nice museum curator to start their affair at this point. But My Policeman reveals, around 30 minutes in, that the affair had been going on all along, and that the field trip to the museum was an excuse for Tom to meet Patrick, his lover. While we were being forced to watch the world’s most boring throuple have pointless conversations over the dinner table, Tom was being painted like one of Jack’s French girls by his secret companion. Marion always had her suspicions about them, but she would discover the juicier details of the affair years later in Patrick’s diaries.
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It’s actually less of a plot twist and more a needlessly roundabout route to the same destination. We always knew that Tom and Patrick would become romantically involved, so why treat this like some sort of big reveal, especially since the only thing that this achieves is to make Tom more detestable than he already is? Don’t get me wrong, it’s perfectly alright for Tom to be an ‘unlikeable’ fellow — there’s no rule that says he has to be a saint — but the movie doesn’t seem to realise this, and keeps insisting that he was merely a victim of circumstance.
Ostensibly a story about yearning and lost love, My Policeman resembles that parody trailer about gay priests at the beginning of Tropic Thunder. Scenes meant to be sensitive are cringe-inducing, the performances are uniformly inept, and some of the lines… My word, are they laugh-out-loud hilarious. Sample this gem: “This love is all consuming. I pity people who don’t know what it feels like to be this in love.” Now imagine this being said in the most melodramatic, self-serious manner, while a lone cello wails in the background. My Policeman is based on a 2012 novel by Bethan Roberts, so it’s possible that many of the lines have simply been reproduced from the book, but they don’t translate on screen because the filmmaking is so plain. Plus, a movie should resort to internal monologues only when all else fails.
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The film piles on the implausibility with every passing minute, before ending with a reveal of such eye-popping stupidity that it makes you wish you hadn’t exhausted your reserve of outrage already — that too over relatively less offensive things like Styles’ amateurish performance and the unintentionally hilarious writing. But that’s the kind of movie this is.
Did nobody realise that the sole straight character of the central trio was probably not the ideal entry point into a same-sex love story? When are Styles’ admirers going to see through his blatant attempts to bait his queer fanbase? And most importantly, did Emma Corrin deliver a star-making performance in The Crown only to be offered drivel like this?
We learn nothing about these characters beyond their most basic traits. They only seem to be capable of feeling around two emotions: lust and jealousy. This would be good enough, if the movie knew how to weaponise its stars’ natural charisma. Particularly Styles, whose raw sex appeal makes him the sort of person who could, if he wanted to, make entire flocks of fans faint by simply picking his nose in a suggestive manner. What a flex that would be. Even in this film, you must remember, both Marion and Patrick are supposed to be in love with Tom. And the whole time, you’re wondering, why?
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My Policeman
Director – Michael Grandage
Cast – Harry Styles, Emma Corrin, David Dawson, Linus Roache, Gina McKee, Rupert Everett
Rating – 1/5
